Today, I Shall be Angry

I have thought about this for a few days now, trying to put a little sense into some news I received recently. News which should have made me feel ecstatic. I should be leaping from tree to tree, swinging like a joyous ape, thumping tables and screeching in gay abandon.
Unfortunately, I am doing none of those things even though good sense and fair judgement would beg to differ.

Last Thursday, I went for my yearly check up at the rheumatology clinic. Not because I have rheumatism or arthritis or anything like that -12 years ago, I was diagnosed with SLE, or Systemic lupus erythematosus. It had taken 2 doctors 7 years to come up with that since my symptoms were somewhat bewildering and SLE appeared to fit the bill. At the age of 38, I was facing a life time of nasty drugs and eventual death. The drugs, initially helped and I felt better but with time, I felt worse, yet I was told, repeatedly, if I did not take them, I might was well toss myself in front of a bus, my life would not be worth a day’s purchase. So, like the obedient, rather blind ape that I am, I continued to take them. Until I had a rather unpleasent attack of shingles. My immune system had hit such a monumental low, I was now fighting off dormant chickenpox. While I was so ill, I decided to stop taking the drugs.

Funnily enough, I didn’t die.
I didn’t get worse either.

I put myself on a rather strict regime of ayurvedic therapies, including turmeric and ginger, I started taking fish oil and made friends with vegetables which, unless they are raw and in small quantities, I have despised since childhood, I also started eating food I had grown up with, as opposed to this nonsense Western kitchen. Wonder of wonders, I started getting better.

My doctor thought I was mad. The other doctor actually thought I might need a psychiatrist, no one stops SLE meds, ever. I must want to die.

Eventually, the two learned heads let me be. I promised if my symptoms return, I will come and see them. Really, promise. I had one or two flare ups which went away with flu’ meds. I had some aches and pains, over-the-counter drugs took care of that. I continued on my way. I lived cautiously, doing my best not to provoke my body in having a chimp out, no freaky stuff, no alcohol, lots of zen.

Until last Thursday. I went for my now yearly appointment – it had been every 3 months, then every 6 and finally down to once a year. There was a new doctor there – the old one had been booted apparently, he was off making money somewhere else.

The new fellow looked at me and the usual questions poured out of his mouth – how are you, any problems, pain, etc..I said no. He asked me if I had any problems with SLE lately. I said no. He said he found that a little odd.
He asked me if I had ever been re-tested for SLE. I said, as far as I know, after the diagnosis 12 years ago, there had been no second-look. It is hard for a doctor to appear shocked but for a moment he displayed a human emotion.
He said he doubted the initial diagnosis was accurate. In fact, he doubted everything he read in my file. He didn’t understand why I had been prescribed such powerful drugs on, at best in his opinion, an inconclusive diagnosis. He wanted to know why the doctors had not followed the latest SLE protocol and would I be interested in being re-tested?
I told him every time I asked to be re-tested I had been told I should stop reading Doctor Google so loudly and listen to my betters because Doctors Know Best. So I stopped asking even though I didn’t need Doctor Google to tell me SLE never just disappears. Remission sure, but vanish it does not. Mine did just that.

He said in all probability I had rheumatic fever. It is very likely I had picked up something tropical somewhere that no one had bothered to test for. For all he knew, the flair ups could even have been malarial. He said he would retest me and promised to give me the results – because in his learned opinion, the initial diagnosis was wrong and he would eat his shoes if he is wrong. The last few blood tests, of which I was never given the results, pointed to no SLE activity, in fact the initial blood test had been inconclusive at best. He figured the doctors had given me a diagnosis so they could find something to work on – and since the medication appeared to work, then their diagnosis must have been right, even if the science they had used to make it was actually wrong.
He said he was sorry the medication had given me liver and digestive problems, but there was nothing he could do about that. I should consider AYURVEDA or HOMEOPATHY. There are some great therapies there that would help.

He should be happy I am not a violent ape.

I walked out of that office with some vague promise of “I will tell you as soon as I know,” not knowing if I should laugh or cry. It was as if the last 19 years of my life had been for naught an accumulation of disappointments, lost opportunities and frequent tears all for nothing. I could have taken that job that would have required much international travel, I could have been so much more than just some admin. I didn’t have to break off my trip to Indonesia because I ran out of pills, I could have joined a road trip through Africa. I didn’t because I was scared. I was worried I might burden others if I had a flair up at an inconvenient time. I didn’t want to frighten anyone.

I had given up so much because 2 doctors had sentenced me to death and I was trying my best to live.. I would not provoke death in any way because I owe it to others to stay alive as long as I can.

Of course, I still owe it to others. That has not changed, I won’t become reckless over night because 2 doctors 12 years ago decided to make their lives easy and use me as a guinea pig for drugs. But a shamefaced apology from a man in a white coat whom I don’t know from Adam does not make me feel any better.

I feel cheated and I feel angry. I feel like God has had his monumental joke at my expense. I feel like he has taken my life and twiddled it between his thumbs and thought, “hmmm, what shall I do to this little monkey today….” People will say “God has a plan for all of us.” Well, I had plans too and I think at this point, His suck. I fail to see the funny side of this and if anyone can enlighten me, I am all ears.

I spoke to a friend and she said the same thing – just forget it all and move on.

I did that 12 years ago. I moved on. I lived with it, I did what I could to ensure the beast would sleep.

So please correct me if I am wrong.

May I please be angy today? I want to be furious, I want to be mad as hell, I would hit things with a big stick if I could. I am tired of being calm and composed, of nodding in agreement and being gravely interested. I want the world to know I am angry today.

I have lost more than 12 years of my life. I lost who I should have been and no one can give that back to me, except me, and at this point, I don’t know how to start again. Any ideas?

10 thoughts on “Today, I Shall be Angry

  1. Reblogged this on Zero Lift-Off and commented:

    Eva I’m sorry to hear that you had all of this complicating illness with ensuing difficulty, but it’s great how you saw into it all. I swear by holistic and homeopathic treatment with understanding and care taken to balance the body and mind. The standard medical establishment has been corrupted just like our governments and politics, all about the money; so I take what they all say with a grain of salt if at all, because I mostly ignore them. I had a severe chemical toxin pulmonary industrial injury and over time all of the aggravation along with the effects of not only the toxins but the actual medications was going to kill me if I didn’t do like you did and get smart! I dug into what our bodies are built to deal with and how to enhance our own autoimmune system to be as balanced and healthy as possible! I will say up front there is no cure-all or panacea that will solve all of our inevitable breakdown and deterioration, no fountain of youth! I had been blessed with incredibly good genes and just the DNA telomeres being tight and intact kept me healthy, once I started eliminating the damaging components.

    “Telomeres and aging Telomeres are strings of DNA that protect the ends of chromosomes. Telomeres tend to shorten over time as they do their job, so they’re considered biological markers of aging. Unhealthy lifestyle habits — such as smoking, eating junk food, obesity, inactivity, and chronic stress — are also associated with shorter telomeres.”

    Those end cap molecules on the ends of our DNA strands called Telomeres that are akin to say the plastic enclosure caps on the ends of your shoe laces; are a key in this breakdown process, as in with time and age or causally related deterioration on the molecular level, these end caps get damaged then shorten with time like a built in obsolescence leading to DNA breakdown and damage, which is a loss of some genetic coding that will subsequently lead to inefficient inexact replication or new cell growth that then has lost some of the original coding, no longer the once original brand new version! But I got up to speed on this subject having to be my own lawyer in a case where I had this damage caused on the job!

    So I found that after my not abusing my body and health all of my life, no drugs or alcohol or anything that was violent to the balance of my health; I was suddenly thrust into a cauldron of imbalance with powerful medications many of which were made in China, so I’m sure there were chemical components in the manufacturing of them that were also harming me on top of the usual negative side effects overall of the treatments. I had to discover some new thinking and an approach to staying healthy for as long as possible, and like I say, there are no guarantees but we can sure try our best to take care of what God created us with, which if managed well can be miraculous!

    I eventually got off all medication and I’m very careful what I eat, other than my weakness for sweets occasionally I’m eating a very healthy diet of all the things you mentioned, combining vegetables, fruits, herbs, fish, chicken and some high quality grass-fed beef occasionally along with my “Ginger Green Tea Concoction” all of which seems to be the ticket to good health as I get older but still have plenty of get up and go along with no bodily ailments of any kind, whether it be one of bone, muscle or internal organs. I’m back to what I was blessed with before that catastrophe occurred, with some damage and signs of breakdown, but, more minimal as compared to people even much younger than me who ignore these basic foundational principles of good health management, who instead abuse their bodies. I did spring back and I suppose if this injury with ensuing mayhem and all the accompanying stress, because of my deciding to represent my own work/injury case with no lawyer’s help. If all of this hadn’t happened I’d be like a 30 year younger person as I was before he calamity; maybe I’m like a 10 to 15 year younger person in reality now anyhow; which I’m not going to complain about!
    Keep up the great outlook and gaining insight!
    God bless.

    Brother in Christ Jesus,
    Lawrence Morra III×1024-1.jpg?w=685&h=695


    1. Thank you Lawrence, your words are as always, encouraging. I have sent you a longer reply by mail, thank you so much for the reblog. I hope my post helps people realise they should not leave themselves at the mercy of the establishment. We have to find ourselves again as free beings who are able to break out of the manipulation. I think a lot of my anger comes from realising I played into their hands for so long and it the cost has been rather high.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Eva, oh thank you for writing what you did and the expression of absolute truth! Everything you wrote in the essay and now here in this comment is perfect, as every word rang true in my own heart and soul. It all has to be one of if not the best things I’ve ever read or even wrote on Word Press because I know in my own heart it’s all so true and what God wants his children to understand. Multitudes are being manipulated, controlled and abused as I see it as bad and actually in many ways worse than what narcotics pushers do to their victims! I got so angry too a while ago, when after so many years I finally woke up after my own belief that the establishment and system in Western governments and medicine all care for the common man. In my case it took a tragic bad political head honcho where I worked nearly destroying my life through a manipulated work injury situation when my life was in its prime and peak performance to realize how sinister and so little if at all some politically powerful people care about their fellow human beings!

        It all could have made me bitter or not like anyone if I didn’t look deeper into it all and understand as I had already known all of my life that there are some very good people in this sad twisted world too. As we all should realize now after the “Covid world event fraud” that there are so many bad players running things globally who are in the ready to do us all in and who only care about their own power, wealth and “their control over us” like we’re their slaves or even worse, only to be used until no longer of any use to them.

        I as you know tend to think and speak in biblical terms much of the time and that too is a more recent development even though I’ve always been a Christian but only through my suffering and personal tragedy its role in my life along with my God given purpose to exist and my now understanding more vividly its intrinsic meaning and how it truly is a wonderful gift from God! The world with its crooked and often wicked ways may let us down severely because of the very bad actors out in it, but, God will never let down; those who really love Him with humility from the heart. This brings me to a Scripture that you and most Christian minded people have heard, and it’s one that my own fine dedicated mother over the years had by her faith and love for her children caused them to memorize.

        “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6

        I actually started to try very hard to take that verse to heart and practice it right after my injury/illness and it proved so true, thanks to my mother of course but God through her making sure it was there in my heart and soul to hang onto when I was in dire straits as a profound truth that all people need! I’ve now begun to see how this high-tech so advanced man made civilization is actually no different at its core, than what the Ancient Egyptian period in history was when looking at what some humans do to the rest and how ugly they make the world, and this precious gift of life; that God created and only He has the right and power to fulfill for those who are truly His.

        Your fine writing of historical events beyond being very educational does convey this continuous man-made conflict going on in all worldly quarters, and though it’s a battle of great hardship and much suffering it is one we can or more fittingly will win, by faith.

        In just a few days will be the one year mark of when I wrote the following except from another of my more lengthy articles where in this portion of it I end the paragraph by saying “what really pisses me off.”

        The Big Pharma Industry joined at the hip with TV LAND where making the most money in the world out of all corporate entities is King; even Bill Gates said right out, how it’s so easy according to MR. Know It All Gates; “vaccines are phenomenal profit makers, with more than a 20-to-1 return.” Bill Gates even turns $10 billion into $200 billion when talking about Vaccines and all of his many patents! You surely see where I’m going with this don’t you! The agenda has nothing to do with saving you or your loved ones but is all about the “Greedy” in this world “Getting MORE Greedy” to the “Maximum Obtainable” amount of “CASH MONEY!” Oh yes I did work in the television news industry also, so that is why I have some knowledge of what goes on within the internal structure of making the so called “News Programming” which is intricately tied to making Big Money, and not so much about “true journalistic integrity” or a “service to the needs of the public at large;” unless of course, that need fits into this most important priority of keeping CEO’s and shareholders happy that they are raking in those oodles of dollars exponentially and unceasingly!
        But thank you if you still are reading this after allowing me to go off on what really “pisses me off;” and then breaks my heart; and I dare say it should do the same to you! Making me want to be ill, was realizing the reality of what we human beings are to these sorts of people I’m referring to; that have one objective in life and that is to be the richest they can be, guys like Fauci and yes even everyday medical doctors in so many instances, though they would never admit that or would be pretty pissed if you told them to their faces how one track minded and how owned or kept they are beholding to Big Pharma over all other considerations; just corporate minions! In plain English they are responsible for the devastating result to our society and lives by this calibrated Greed Mindset!

        Just now Eva I see many things come full circle and like those proverbial dots are being connected as I just said to a woman an employee at a local naturopathic health store who was a great help in helping me choose a few items last evening when I was purchasing some homeopathic remedies, which now reminds me again what I mentioned today; about how there are some good people out there!

        “And so then I went on to prove myself as a scientific deductive logic minded person, as well as a good lawyer be it Pro Se, without ever having a single law school course in my life! So my case instead of being put into the typical revolving door and booted out of the system as quickly as possible turned out to be an unusual case that went on for nearly four years while I tactfully fought my own battle and asked Jesus Christ to help me each day!

        Another saving grace from God was early on I went to a top world renowned medical institution to get an assessment and by a God Send was placed into the care of a great humanitarian lady doctor/scientist/professor/department chairperson director at a most prestigious medical school, who was more old school than most any doctors these days and who once we had established our perfect doctor/patient relationship could fully trust each other working together toward the most important common goal we absolutely had, which was my survival and success on all fronts! She said at that point to “remember moving forward Lawrence, that any other doctors you may need to acquire in addition,” to her wonderful care that as she went on to put it, “make sure they have your best interest at heart!” How many doctors or people these days take responsibility like that; and totally mean it without any doubt? I can tell you as my dilemma went forward I found she was like a diamond, like a saint or angel, I so love that woman; and nobody else came close to being like her, as I did see several other specialists over the course of my ordeal, but, I look back and see how with all of them it was the bottom-line and just going along to get along with them for the most part; as they were not that interested in me or my life!

        So I shared all of this to say that this is how we all have to look at the current situation with regard to Covid and all of these bureaucratic decisions being made about our personal health and freedoms! Who is really going to care at the end of the day about you the way this saintly beautiful woman doctor did for me! Do you think these politicians or most doctors out there do and will? Not a chance, so we have to discern carefully and wisely moving forward; and always seeking Jesus to help us make the right decisions.”

        The following link is where you can read all of what I said in this regard and the additional link is another article that contains some additional insights as well as I see it truthful inspiration from above!

        This following article is another long piece but worth the read not because I wrote it or say it is but because I do know that what is in it is important; I’m only a simple messenger.

        My hopes and prayers are with you!

        God bless you and yours.

        Brother in Christ Jesus,


  2. It’s not a comparison, per say. However, as a child beginnings somewhere between the first and third grade were “the specialists.” ADD became ADHD became ODD, and a medication for each. I was made to take a geriatric’s cabinet worth of medications in a pursuit of normal that I never asked to engage. With every pill panel came a different therapist with different largely useless advice designed only to keep me there for another session. When I turned 18 I was legally able to deny treatment. Which I did. I will never see another psyche doctor so long as I have autonomy.

    I found very quickly that I had never learned to be me, because every medication had made me somebody else. Robbed of my formative years, my self development began at around age 20 when I moved from technical school to community college.

    To further complicate things, I “awakened ” (took the red pill) in College, and not long after fell in love. Both of which interrupted those self-discoveries.

    I’m 33, but I don’t really feel as though I was myself until around 30, having finally allowed myself to embrace what I want from my life – or allow that my wants and needs are contrary to all the isms we’ve bandied elsewhere.

    There’s a part of me that I think will always be angry. In my daily life I spend a lot of time managing that. I have every right to my anger. But my daily zen koan becomes: what does it profit me to embrace it? I don’t deny my anger anymore, doing so was worse than feeding it. What I do now is acknowledge it, but try not to give it undue license over me

    Of course, all my issues are imagined. I have no physical illnesses or defects to contend with, that a doctor could manipulate at present. My only trifle at the last appointment was that they are now required to inquire if you have become gay since your last visit. I suspect on account of the monkey pox.


    1. I know what you mean by ADHD and the rest of it – this was a trend even in Switzerland where practically every child who had a mind of their own and could express themselves, was being labelled as hyperactive. It is like body dysmorphia – only a few had it and all of a sudden, everyone has it. The medical profession has a lot to answer for, for the ruined childhoods, spent on drugs that could be described as harmful as best and murderous at worst. They tried that with my son when one of his teachers thought he could do with “calming down.” Over half his class was medicated at that point and no one seemed to think this was a problem. I kicked up such a fuss they finally stopped trying to medicate my son.
      I saw this as the first big push to damage the minds of children – it was a grand-scale conspiracy led by monsters who had the ability to terrify parents into obedience by convincing them their child would never live a happy, normal life otherwise.
      I know that sounds outlandish, but ultimately, I saw the horror it left so many children with, the years of therapy, and as you say, “never learned to be me.” Don’t get me wrong – there are hyperactive children, and children with learning disabilities and children who cannot concentrate, who really do need help. But medicating 15 out of a class of 25 I found rather excessive and I refused outright to let my son become number 16. I won’t get into what a fight that was. When I told the teacher it must be he can’t listen because she must be a terrible teacher, her head nearly started spinning.

      It isn’t fair what happened to you and there is no redress, nothing that makes things better because ultimately, one is left wondering “what if.” I think it is because we can think that we have anger, that we can’t just brush everything off and move along, like good little lemmings.

      I can’t really say when I was “red pilled” as they say, I somehow have always known people who were out there, before the movie. For me, it had a lot to do with studying history and realising so much just didn’t fit. I was always encouraged while growing up to think things through for myself, never believe the first version, go and look again. Never be a creature of habit unless they are your own habits! I think that is why I am so disappointed with myself. I should not have believed the doctors, I should have looked at things more closely myself. But at the time I think I was just in so much pain I would have believed in amputation if someone had offered it so I should not be so hard on myself.

      Anger is healthy, embrace it? I like that idea, do not deny anger. It is a valid emotion and channelled correctly has the power to do much good.

      I am waiting for anyone to ask me if I have become gay…ah, the world we live in never ceases to amaze in all its bizarre wonder.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I’ve been wondering lately, with regards to dissidents, if one can distil and reproduce the conditions. I know my whole life had been a slowly unravelling process toward it. It being a component of a broader realisation. I don’t think redpilling is the end-all be-all, as evidenced by the hostile stupidity rampant in the movement. Anyways… it starts young. I guess I’ve been lucky in that the unreality of things has made it easy for me to swallow bitter pills. It was never hard for me to grasp questions of realism, but when it came to denialism, that was the test. Shame they don’t give you multiple choice. 🙂

        Anyhow. It’s a shame what’s happened. Not that it changes anything, but I’m sorry you’ve dealt with it. I know a handful of victims of American medicine. Most were not so wise as you to come to their senses and continue life as addled souls gradually being whittled away to nothing by Dr. Z and Huge Pharma.


      2. Red-pilling is not the end all be all. After that there is an awful lot of work to do because with it comes realisation how upside down everything really is. I think anyone who has found out in what ever way how convoluted everything is, comes to a point where they realise it is in fact much harder than just “swallowing a pill.” It can be a bitter pill that leads to alienation, and it necessitates the need to change an entire mindset and to some extent even belief and convictions. Unfortunately the hardest realisation is the one when we look around and see that most people will never take even step one.
        Medical manipulation is one of those that is hard to break out of. We are trained to believe a doctor knows, that medicine is good, that if we take our pills we will get better. We have seen it now clearly with this virus. I wonder when if the fall out and consequences of this will ever be truly known.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I’ve always hated the pill metaphor. Unless it’s white families taking the purple pill and conquering the replacement level.

        Sadly I fear the attitude gentiles have for “expert culture” is borderline talmudic.

        I don’t personally think the individual human brain can comprehend the monumental calamity of the last hundred years or so. Even the wisest dissident has to angle his or her approach and come at it from their own comfort. If, as “they” say the depth of the experimenting were known than the resulting popular violence could make several imaginary historical dramas seem real.


      4. Absolutely. The brain can’t comprehend it – if it did, it is as you say, those dramas would suddenly become real. I think that is something “they” know. This started such a long time ago and the warnings were there all along but humanity just kept ticking along in some fashion. Tolerance is to some extent our downfall.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Reviewing he comments again and letting then sink in good I have more to say of course!

    This is on point fully engaged with reality the one true reality; “grand-scale conspiracy led by monsters who had the ability to terrify parents into obedience,” That has been true for well over a century when people like the Rockefeller’s, Rothchilds’ and the whole globalist cabal NWO, Freemasons/Illuminati satanic plan to consume humanity with totalitarian control! How else did monsters like Karl Marx, Pol Pot, Mao and the rest come to power to go on and butcher countless millions of human beings other than to be directly influenced by Satan? I know this for a fact because what I ran up against head-on was from that same root problem that has infected and nearly taken over the world and that is their diehard goal; butt they will die because God is going to trump them all putting them where they belong for eternity!

    And I did the same thank you did trusting the science or those administering it via our doctors for many years until I had the brutal wakeup call and then opportunity to regroup and rectify what damage I could pronto! We simply couldn’t have been so on our game that we knew all of this beforehand so criticizing our own lack in the past is a fool’s errand because it’s all been a set-up for so long and we are not able to learn everything we need before we actually live it too! It’s a collective education before that Red Pill moment comes for anyone; and think of it this way some people don’t ever wake up or even get the chance to like we have! That’s the silver living and wakeup call being now in the position to really move ahead not in circles of worse backwards as so many are doing!

    “So I should not be so hard on myself!” That’s right Eva don’t do that and be sure now you are out of the deep forest “seeing the light and forest for the trees!”

    Not “outlandish” at all to think and have the outlook you acquired through being objective and analytical to Discern; using your own noodle as the old adage goes! I add my personal caveat of keeping my faith in God!

    And then you “hit the nail on the head” saying “good little lemmings.” That it; and goes up my kazoo, how far too many people are allowing themselves to be manipulated or sadly so many are that thoroughly conditioned; which is another can of worms!

    “Disappointed with myself,” you said, but don’t be at all, I did and still do that to myself at times, only the big problem with doing that is it’s not any sort of ultimate truth which matters, in the long and short of it. I had what were at the time and some folks even now would say “golden opportunities” placed in front of me for my diligent efforts at the time; which I “bailed on” or “split the scene” as the saying goes, and just said nah, “no thanks,” to it all! After that my life didn’t go all “peaches and cream” or “smooth as silk” but through my struggles and even sorrows I look back and know I did the right thing because I can only imagine if I jumped in and took as they say, the “Big Plunge” into a fast powerfully dynamic lifestyle far above my skill sets emotionally or wisdom to navigate amongst “feeding barracudas;” so think what tremendous unforeseen hardships could have and would have come my way which would have been far worse than the baggage I carry for any ineptitude on my part, and in my own “safer pond;” but in that big ocean those potentialities may have been too much to bear or overcome no matter how much “intestinal fortitude” I tried to summon within my soul, so “I’m counting my blessings;” and you along with anyone else can do the same, I do believe! Because “right now” is the ideal time in our lives being able to look back from this present moment with a strong or wiser retrospect and greater insight while being a “stronger and better version” of the persons we used to be, “back in the day” when too young and inexperienced and full of dreams, but, “not plugged in” or “Red Pilled!” Just like the old adage “speed can kill,” and I say, “Youth can be a quick run off a cliff.” Lemmings all included! Look what the world just went through and see all those lemmings run blindly!


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